


crack cocaine

by ingwahte



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Like jesus, harry fights dudley, it took me way too long to write this given the length and quality, so much crack, warning - dildo mentions and unfortunate imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-02 08:25:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19437643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ingwahte/pseuds/ingwahte
Summary: so this was a prompt i got from the ##hpfanfiction discord, which was "Harry and Dudley on a deserted island with a broken wand".





	crack cocaine

**Author's Note:**

> The quality of this is abysmally low but i had fun writing it. if this made you snort leave a kudos. good luck.

Harry stared at the man who stood before him. At 24, Dudley Dursley was as monstrously fat as ever, and seemed well on his way to following his father in his pursuit of achieving walrus-ness. He had a nasty twist to his features, as if he had bitten down on a lemon as someone shoved a particularly large dildo up his rear without the proper preparations. An ominous growl resonated from his belly – he was hungry, as usual. That did not bode well for Harry.

Harry had appeared on this island roughly three hours ago. It was quite small, and appeared to be deserted. Well, except for Dudley. 

Now, Harry wasn’t the same small, defenceless boy he had been in his youth. Between a healthy appetite, quidditch and auror training, he had filled out over the past few years since bidding the Dursleys goodbye. He also had a substantial array of hexes and jinxes to call upon. 

Except, he couldn’t call on them. For, much to his utter dismay, his wand had neatly snapped itself in two upon his arrival on the island. Thankfully, it wasn’t his holly-and-pheonix wand, but rather his ebony-and-unicorn backup wand that he’d taken to carrying around. Still, it was broken, leaving him wandless and magicless. This would leave him at a serious disadvantage in a fight with his cousin.

But hold on, Harry’s gotten ahead of himself here. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to fight his cousin. The last time Harry had spoken to Dudley, Dudley had actually acted sort of friendly – or rather, what constituted as friendly for a Dursley. Perhaps Harry was in luck…

“Er, hello Dudley – er, Big D,” Harry said, cautiously putting his hand in his pocket. Dudley grunted, and Harry quickly whipped his hands up above his head to show he meant no harm. “Look, Big D, I’m not armed, er, no wand on me.”

Dudley’s pig-like eyes narrowed. He stomped forward a few steps, causing Harry to back up quickly. He didn’t want to be anywhere near in range of his cousin’s meaty fists, just in case things got ugly. He thrust out one fist, causing Dudley to stop and blink in surprise.

“Easy now,” said Harry, copying the stance of an animal trainer he’d seen in a muggle movie. A clicker appeared in his still-raised hand, and he clicked it a few times as he inched towards Dudley. 

Dudley sniffed the air. Was that… Was that chocolate he smelled?

Harry opened his outstretched fist to reveal a slightly squished candy bar. Dudley bellowed at the sight and attempted to grab it, but Harry snatched his hand away with a cry of “Hey! Easy now,” and jumped back. The clicker clicked furiously as Dudley came to a halt, beady eyes focused on the candy bar. 

Harry raised the candy bar. “Back up,” he ordered. He clicked as Dudley stumbled backwards. As a reward for his good behaviour, Harry tossed the candy bar to Dudley. Dudley grabbed it out of the air and gobbled it down as quickly as he could. Harry did not see where the wrapper went. Harry didn’t want to know where the wrapper went.

Finished with his meagre meal, Dudley spun around to face Harry, growling. There was bloodlust on his chocolate-smeared features.

Harry was ready though. He held up another candy bar, and tossed it to Dudley. He threw another, and another. Then Harry encountered a problem: he had run out of candy bars.

Dudley seemed to realise this shortly after Harry did. With a stomp that shook the ground, his eyes locked on Harry. He snorted. He crouched. He pounced. Harry barely had time to think “oh shit,” and dodge before Dudley’s considerable bulk landed right where he had been; the shockwave knocked Harry off his feet, which was as unpleasant as one might think. Dudley recovered quickly and turned once more to face Harry, who was still sprawled on the ground. He retrieved the aforementioned dildo from his rear. With a roar, he charged.

And that, dear readers, would have been the end of Harry Potter, had he not very quickly learned wandless magic and managed to apparate away. He landed in a heap in the doorway of Ron Weasley’s apartment, which had been his destination before he got side-tracked. He checked himself over for signs of splinching. He came up clear, though he would later learn that he had in fact left behind the tips of his toenails, which was alright as they had been in need of a trim anyway.

Ron came out to see what the commotion was all about, then invited Harry inside for a strong cup of tea (with a nip of firewhiskey in it, of course) to settle his nerves. Harry relayed the events of the past few hours to his best friend over Earl Grey and vanilla biscuits (he had paled when Ron brought out the chocolate ones).

Ron put his hand on Harry’s arm, and squeezed gently. “Mate,” he said, “are you on crack cocaine?”

Harry looked at his tea, then at his friend. He then deposited something on the counter. It was a chocolate-stained clicker.

“Hm,” said Ron.

“Hm,” said Harry, and that was that.


End file.
